Looking for Logic in Grief and Finding None

My mom’s birthday is April 30th. She died on December 31st. My birthday is September 21st. My sister’s birthday is August 1st. My dad’s birthday is January 5th. Mother’s Day changes every year but it’s usually something like May 9th.

The holidays are particularly hard - they would be no matter what, even if my mom hadn’t died on New Year’s Eve, of all days. (An aside - it is insane we spend so much time talking about New Year’s babies and not the people who die on New Year’s Eve or New Year’s Day, because if people are being born, they most certainly are dying as well.) My mom’s birthday is hard, too, of course. And so is mine. And generally, so was that first year after she died, because it was so fresh, so raw. It wasn’t just that I was mourning the loss of my mom, I was trying to figure out how to have a new life. It was like I was a toddler again, venturing out into the world, doing the emotional equivalent of toddling around, falling down a lot, and learning “fire bad.”

So I couldn’t really tell you why this last week or two I have been in what I can only describe as a grief fog. It feels dense and heavy and I feel dense and heavy too, in a way that I haven’t in months. Of course, yes, given the continued blatant racism and violence against Black people, police brutality, and the COVID-19 pandemic certainly would not boost anyone’s mood (and if it does, you are a sociopath), but I realized that if I looked for a reason every time I was sad my mom was dead…well, that’s a fool’s errand, that’s the reason in and of itself.

I realized I was looking for logic in something completely illogical: Life and death. All of us (and I’d be lying if I said I was not particularly prone to this), we want neat answers and explanations to things. It’s why there’s a million Sleep (Explained!), Hunger (Explained!), Sex (Explained!) videos, the reason why the website Vox even exists in the first place.

I find this too when I’m watching television, or reading a book, or talking to my friends. The things that upset me, that set me off are not things I can explain. And I wish I had an answer, so I could shield myself or prepare myself. But I just don’t think that’s possible. Something bad happened. I’m going to feel bad for a long time. The things that remind me of that are going to be unexpected, are going to hit me hard when I’m not prepared.

There are times when I feel crazy that my mom is gone. Well, if she’s not here, where is she? Did I ever have a mom? The Lana who had a mom feels like an entirely different person, so far away and not a person I know anymore.

And I think these are questions to ask, but I have to stop expecting that I or anyone else will have an answer.